Thursday, April 2, 2015

A Bit of Sarcasm. Food and Exercise

WE need those... Yet it is becoming clearer and clearer that the only way to stay healthy these days is to grow your own produce at your organically-designed (sic) backyard, and then raise your own hogs/poultry etc in an environment that is super pre-tested (++PremiumPlus) and subjected to huge-ass research for toxic agents and bizarre nitrogen contaminants—and then sealed in a giant, ecologically-cool glass globe (so no cancer-carrying sunburst and mercury-spiked raindrops could mess them up). (Okay, I am being sarcastic.)

       After your sumptuous dinner, you do need exercise, right yo? So biking is recommended. Purchase a helmet that is approved by a council of helmet experts from Yale and UC Berkeley, shoes that give you greater mobility, peace and pleasure (made of beta-carotene and prime California weed), shirt that doesn't make sweat stick (manufactured in Saturn where there is no pollution), e-shorts that offer spiritual orgasm as you pedal (because it comes with a cord that connects to a Vangelis dubstep remix scented with organic aphrodisiac) etcetera etcetera.
       Oh, a bike—it must be the kind that went through strict FDA/CDCP/EPA scrutiny and debated/deliberated on in the United Nations' security council, or better still, the kind that Lance Armstrong didn't use... But be aware that when you go out there and bike, you have limited space to roam, like a treadmill the size of Walmart and encased in another glass globe—because you may be hit by a hostile ray of the sun or a falling, malfunctioning drone if you bike outside without protection. You are not also allowed to engage other bikers to a chat because humans' pristine nature to spew negative vibes will send out virus to your computer-generated shorts (programmed by an Apple apps).
       Now, ready to live your life to the fullest? Swipe that damn AmEx...

[Art by Duane Lucas Pascua]

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